Arachnid a la Plughole

There’s been a rather a large T4 roaming the walls of the bathroom the last few days, doing the usual disappearing act during the day. No one's overly concerned but we know the day is coming when it’s got to be killed.

We’ve all just gone to bed when my sister comes in to inform me that the T4 is out of hiding for the night. I go to have a look. It's in a pretty convenient killing location so I ask if she's up to it. The boy housemate is pathetically sick in bed, so he's of no use. After discussing a plan of action we decide to spray it with bug spray 'til it drops to the floor, then put a container over it ‘til morning, and the boy housemate can do the removal and disposal. Easy fool-proof plan. NOT.

I spray, it drops to the bench, runs across and falls in the sink. Ok, time to revise our plan. And quickly. My sister says, "You keep spraying, keep it at the plug hole and I’ll turn on the hot water tap. We’ll cook the bastard and it’ll go down the plug hole." Seems like a good plan. And it really is a good plan, except it's a bit too big to fit. But never mind, we’ll just keep the hot water tap running and boil the jug. Maybe, if we use boiling water it’ll like, melt a bit and go down. No, that doesn’t work. My sister disappears, I keep pouring water out of the container over the spider.

My sister reappears with bleach. Maybe we can melt it with bleach ? No, bleach doesn’t make spiders melt either. We go to the junk cupboard to see if we can find any other chemicals. Maybe kerosene would do the trick ? My sister is worried that the combination of bleach and kero is going to cause an explosion or noxious gases. So just as I pour a capful over the T4 she utters a little, "Bang". Not a great big loud "Bang" that would scare the shit out of me, just a little almost monotone "Bang". Then a hair drops on her arm and she screams. We’re pretty wound up. Needless to say, there's no chemical reaction and the kero doesn’t melt the spider. We’re running out of ideas. At the same moment we spy the ventolin puffer on the bench. Hmmmm, wonder what would happen if we sprayed it with ventolin ? Ok, so we’re getting out of control now.

Maybe if we just drop the container over it ‘til morning ? But no, there's gaps, and what if, just what if the T4 isn’t really dead and it escapes ? On further examination of the T4 we notice that the head has broken away from the body and, well, there’s no nice way of saying it. Guts have spilled out and like an egg sticks to a fry pan, the guts have cooked and stuck onto the plug hole. We’re feeling a bit sickie now. In fact, I still feel sickie as I write this. (In fact, I still feel sickie every time I re-read this.)

We’re going to have to scrape it off the plug hole and push it down. Correction, my sister is gonna have to scrap it off and push it down. She’s the brave one. We need new equipment for this. A scrunched up paper towel and a chop stick are selected. The paper towel is laid over the T4 so she can’t see what she’s doing but as she’s poking and prodding she’s uttering, "Oh gross, I just heard a crunch, oh gross, another crunch, oh gross…. " But she’s really brave and gets the job done.

Now we have to make sure that we wash the T4 way down past the U bend in the drain pipe. 'Cause like, what if it’s still not dead and crawls back up? We manouver the plug into the plug hole with the chopstick and fill the sink with hot water, then pull the plug. We peer cautiously down the plug hole, nup, can’t see the T4. I resist the urge to get a torch to shine down the plug hole. Satisfied with yet another magnificent, not to mention brave T4 extermination, we wander off to bed.

(T4 = Terminator 4 = Very BIG huntman spider)